Words for my heart...

Isaac and I drove out to the docks to watch the sunset a few days ago. It had been a perfect blue-sky day, and white, puffy clouds had rolled in just in time to accent the sunset with brilliant golds and purples...it was one of the first days that really seemed like spring had arrived. It was really just a regular day, nothing out of the ordinary, just work, then home, dinner with the husband, then a sunset stroll on the way to the store. But sitting in the car on the dock, watching the sky, I felt God talk to my spirit. There are people, probably the majority of people I would guess, who never feel like they experience God speaking to them, but for some reason I've always known when God was talking to me, always been able to recognize when the thoughts in my heart weren't originating from myself. And it's always with a total surety that the voice is the Lord's. That's just how I was made, I guess. Out there on the docks, God told me that my year of rest, my sabbatical of sorts, was coming to a close.

A little over a year ago, I wrote about resting. I was stressed and overwhelmed with a number of things; I had molded my life in a way that entailed non-stop giving of myself, my time, my support to others, and I just didn't have anything left to give anymore. I was empty and exhausted, consumed with my own struggles that at times threatened to take over my life...literally. I ended my time volunteering with the youth up here at church, I declined any and every invitation to serve in any sort of ministry opportunity, I did nothing but work my eight hours, then come home free of any responsibilities and relaxed, read for fun, took walks, played with friends. I just enjoyed existing, free of any guilt that I wasn't giving enough to others, and concentrated only on making it through each day. I knew God had released me freely into that sabbath of sorts, and in the same way I can feel God speak to me, I knew he would let me know when he had filled me up enough to be able to give to others again.

That's when he met me on the docks the other day. I hadn't even been thinking of anything related to the resting at the time, but all of a sudden I just knew that my year was coming to a close - and not that it was coming to a close whether or not I was ready for it, but that it was coming to a close because God had restored me and calmed the year's raging seas to the point where I was full enough to once again have something extra I could give to those around me.

It was kind of like my rainbow after the flood. Not promising that floods will never come again, but just shining color onto me as a celebration that these flood waters had receded and new life was appearing once again.

Not that all my struggles are gone, not by any means. Not that I am done resting and am planning to jump back into intense volunteering right away. More like, I'm just ready to begin to look outside of myself again and see people around me that I can love.

And I am so ready for that.